Category Archives: religion

death & emotions

Recently I posted about how my anxiety has skyrocketed lately. It has been… to say the least… disconcerting.

I didn’t see the WHAM coming. I didn’t see the I-can’t-take-it-anymore coming.

I can tell you what spawned it, though.

Last week someone I knew casually years ago died in a car crash. She was in her thirties and left behind a fiance and teenaged son (and a multitude of other family members and friends). Tragic, to be sure, but you are probably thinking, …so? People die all.   the.   time.    … it happens.

Why yes, yes it does. And I used to be okay with death (my own, at least). Sure, death was something scary that I could never really prepare for… but it was that way for everybody. When you know you are dying, it is scary because you do not know what to expect. Some die instantly or slip away unaware which is scary in other ways.

But, I thought, it would be okay if I died. I didn’t want to die, but it wouldn’t be earth-shattering if I did. I was saved by Jesus Christ, my husband would grieve but move on, and so would my family and friends. It would be a sad thing to happen, but when it came down to it, it would be okay for me to die.

But then I became a mother.

It is my firm belief that no one can love a child as a mother does. Obviously this is not true in every case as there are some mothers that are total crap and don’t deserve the honorable title of ‘mother’, but a good mother who loves her child with all her heart is truly indispensible.

Suddenly I was irreplaceable. I had this baby, this little girl, to live for. This suddenly huge, overwhelming responsibility to stay alive and not leave her motherless.

Perhaps if I were to die my husband would go on to remarry and my daughter would have a stepmother. But that woman would not be her mother, because her mother is me.

Now that I have Audrey, my own life is much more important to me. I am more valuable to myself. I matter more.

Because of her, I matter more. She needs me. I cannot leave her.

But things like car crashes happen everyday, leaving husbands and wives widowers or widows, children fatherless or motherless.

These things happen. I have to accept that this is true, and that any moment could be my last… yet, with this knowledge, I must also go on living without dwelling on this sad fact, lest it consume me completely and ruin me.

I can’t let that happen. I’m taking the Buspar and am yet to feel any real relief, though it has been only a few days. I’m hoping that it starts to help me reach calm again soon.

Somewhere in the bible it says to ‘not worry about tomorrow, because each day has enough troubles of its own.’ Whether or not you believe in the bible, my oh my is that ever a true statement! I do believe and readily confess that Jesus is Lord. I expect the Buspar to help, but I expect that ultimately Jesus will help me conquer this crippling anxiety and this fear. I need to get back into church, into the bible, into prayer…

I need Him.

Lord, calm me. Comfort me. Soothe my fears. Help me to be the mother you called me to be.


christians & pagans can be friends

I met Jordan in junior high at the tender age of thirteen. She was the girl in the locker room with the biggest boobs. Later, we started talking at the bus stop and passing notes in class. A friendship was forged.

As it so often happens with these friendships of our youth, we lost touch a few years later. In the early autumn of 2011, I noticed that she was friends with a mutual Facebook friend, so I sent her a friend request. A few weeks after we became Facebook friends, she told me she had a ‘present’ for me and invited me to pick it up from her at her workplace, a local hotel where she worked overnights on the front desk.

So, I did. The ‘present’ was a beautiful portrait she had sketched of my infant daughter. I was in awe of her talent and touched that she spent the time to make something so beautiful for me, a near stranger. That night we spent several hours talking and laughing, reminiscing about the past and learning about each other’s lives now.

I love the photo below of Audrey and Jordan! Audrey was sooo excited about the chocolate cupcakes Jordan made. This was at a picnic in the park that we took our girls to earlier this month, October 2013.


It turned out that we had a lot in common. We were both married with baby girls; we both liked crafty stuff and cooking; we had a similar sense of humor and many of the same views on various aspects of life. However when religion came up and I learned she was pagan I was not sure what to think, being a praying, bible-believing, church-going Christian.

It is not that I am against people of other religions, gays, etc. I think there are many, many ‘Christians’ who give Christianity a bad name and I am ashamed of this. I am not, nor will I ever be, one of these ‘Christians.’ Instead of drawing people nearer to God, people who proclaim to be Christians and spew hatred and judgment only serve to push people further away from the belief system they are advocating  and I fully understand this. Were it not for my personal relationship with my dear Jesus I would be put off by Christianity as a whole myself. If you are reading this and are a ‘Christian’, please do not represent us this way. If you are reading this and are not a Christian, please don’t believe that we are all hateful, evil mongrels. There are some of us who are sincere in our belief that God is love and try to show this same love to others.

Ahem. Perhaps that was off on a tangent a bit but it needed to be said. The reason that I was somewhat wary at first was not so much because of this major difference between Jordan and me, but ashamedly because of what others might think of me being friends with a pagan, and close friends at that.

My husband and various other people warned me that this relationship might be harmful to me by tempting me to stray from my faith under her influence. I was outright discouraged from being her friend by a few, and others told me to tread carefully.

I did not and do not think of her as a ‘bad’ influence. If I am being completely honest, I would love if she were a Christian. I am not saying that to put down her beliefs, but at the same time I think it is normal and natural to want others close to you believe that what you believe is the truth. However, despite our vastly different religious beliefs, our friendship has not only grown but flourished. We care deeply for each other as sisters, sharing information that does not go beyond our crazy little duo, sometimes laughing (and dancing…) late into the night as you can only with someone with whom you are supremely comfortable. We can talk to each other about anything and everything, and I always find her advice sound, her words caring and thoughtful. We encourage each other and I believe our relationship makes each of us better.

Recently we have enjoyed watching our girls, Audrey (mine) and Kaylee (hers) forge their own little friendship. It is so fun to watch them run around together, chase after each other, share snacks, hold hands. I think it would be wonderful if someday they became as close as their mommies.

As for the religion thing? We’ve agreed to disagree, and that’s OK. I’m not any closer to being pagan than I was in the autumn of 2011 nor is she a Christian. Pagan or not, I will always be proud to call this woman of character and strength my friend. She means so much to me, and I love her!